Relationships

How to gain confidence is an age-old question and is often something people suffer with mostly when they’re young(er). But when are you too old not to feel shy or lack confidence any more?

It only changed for me when I started learning the new-age tools I draw from today, which happened to begin when I turned 50. It wasn’t a conscious, now I’m fifty I’m going to be x-y-z, if memory serves, it just transpired!

It began by taking an NLP Practitioner training with Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna, and it changed everything.

There are younger people in my close circle who I see struggling along the same lines as I did. It’s a painful process. You might ask why I don’t help, but I think you know the answer, a person has to be ready.

How to gain self-confidence

I remember being trapped my thoughts. Unable to express myself or make my thoughts, feelings, and discomfort known. And this led to putting-up-with things.

It leads to being like a leaf blowing in the wind, beholden to other people’s ideas, and suggestions. And if you suffer with this too, I can help you understand it better, with the benefit of hindsight and the information I use to help people get clear of what we might refer to as old-nonsense.

I’m not being insensitive here, it’s just that it turns out, it’s all old-nonsense and it’s mostly inherited old-nonsense that we’ve observed from other family members and influences as we were growing up.

What creates a lack of confidence?

As you grow up, you listen, hear, see, and feel all the impressions and opinions of caregivers in your life, and some of them stick more than others.

And whatever sticks becomes yours, it’s like an inheritance, and it becomes the family-glue. We even start to identify ourselves as though it were a truth. But it’s not true and it’s fine to let go of it, especially where you’re not having the best types of experiences in your life, in one way or another.

The reason I’m saying that is that it’s fine to let go of anything that holds you back from stepping into the wonder of you. Everyone is wonderful, but so few recognise or live by it. This isn’t about inflated ego’s and narcissistic tendencies, it’s actually anything but that. It’s not about trumpet blowing, it’s more of a feeling, as sense of self, and a sensitivity towards others, that is informed by an independence from yourself.

People are mostly influenced by what came before, and they get triggered by old-nonsense, without a clue as to why they feel that way, although if you pressed them they’d come up with 101 reasons why it is so.

But it’s not so! Because their so doesn’t actually exist!

I believe therefore I am

You’ve heard that saying:

… for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. … Shakespeare’s Hamlet

Our thoughts, our beliefs were all inherited from somewhere, from someone, which means if they no longer serve you, you can change them.

And it’s safe to question the origins too, because – 9 times out of 10 – whoever you inherited it from, absorbed the same old-nonsense from their caregivers as well and so on down the line. Which subsequently negates any need for blame.

That’s it for now, but next time we’ll dig into why this is such an important component to creating the foundations for ensuring you bring the best quality of relationships and experiences into your life.

A quick clue is that if people trigger you, it’s something you need to address. And this is how you’ll attract the love of your life.

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Remember that golden-oldie, but does your life-partner never seem to hear a word you say?  Or you them? Often in partnerships, especially loving ones, the boundaries can become blurred.

Loved ones can make the classic error of thinking they know what you want, even what you think, about any subject that arises for discussion and that in itself is stifling.

Being Heard

Therefore it’s important that your life-partner hears, respects and continues valuing your personal development, so you’re able to change-your-mind without contradiction, otherwise things can become suppressive and the spontaneity can diminish.

Predictable

Some partners assume the position, you know the one, that of knowing you better than you know yourself?  But even a life-partner doesn’t really have the right to take your individuality away from you, no matter how well-intended.  However it’s a conscious thing and needs work, and often it’s all too easy to allow a partner to take over in this way, perhaps for a number of reasons:

• It’s easier
• It makes you feel as though you belong to someone (or feel needed)
• It gives you a feeling of safety

Does your partner make assumptions about you or you them, is it all too predictable, has it lost it’s spark.  And maybe it’s time to relight that fire, the one that attracted to you to one another in the first place.

If you think about what happens, subconsciously, when someone tries to predict your future and apply it here.   It’s just all too possible that a part of us gives up our power, vision and future to someone else’s strong impression of what they assume or predict for us.

It’s important to get clear on what it is YOU want for yourself, so that you can be single-minded in some cases, depending on how passionate and determined you are to make something happen.  But one thing is for sure nothing happens without ACTION, and that has to come from you.

Does One Partner Feed Off The Other

Perhaps your relationship is based on one dominating and one submissive partner, and maybe that pattern needs closer inspection.

As we grow older certain things, no matter how long we’ve been doing them, can become a bit worn-out, last-century and stilted, plus if your life-partner gets a sense of themself by putting you (and others) down then it’s not really such a healthy relationship.

And how many of us have seen or been in partnerships where this is a matter of public spectacle and embarrassing for all those present.

How Can Things Change

So how do you change someone’s behaviour towards you, when the pattern is so well-embedded?  Perhaps you’re afraid of losing them, or they you, so it makes sense to keep things as they are.  What do you fear you are risking if you rock the boat?

The only person you can change is YOU and if you’re unhappy with things that in itself will divide and separate you from one another, especially if you don’t feel heard.

So it’s best to be honest where you can, and look into finding some tools and techniques that resonate with you so you can have something different.

It’s about being honest with yourself as much as anything, and if you find you’re always accommodating someone else’s opinion, ideas, thoughts before your own, it has the potential to crush the essence of who you are.  And sometimes this can have happened for so long that a person has forgotten just who they really are.

This process opens you up to some self-discovery if you allow it in.

The oddest thing is that once we take the reigns for our own life and decide to do something DIFFERENTLY, then things automatically change.  And strangely enough the person we had the issue with changes around us and the issue itself dissipates, without any of the drama’s you may have imagined.

Why Not Try This

If you want to get a sense of the subtle effect you can have, so that others behave differently towards you, you could start by trying this short exercise:

1. Sit quietly for a moment with eyes closed
2. Think of a situation with your partner that you’d rather be different
3. Get a sense of whether you have any feelings or sensations in your body that remind you of the discomfort
4. What does the sensation feel like, does it have a shape, a texture. a temperature, a colour
5. Now if you were to scale the intensity of the feeling from 0-10 as 10 is the highest, what would the number be?

Then, if you know how to tap for instance you can do a tapping round or so on these feelings and thoughts.

If you have any questions about having something different or you’d like to arrange an introductory chat to see if having one-to-one sessions would help, drop a line in the contact us form.

Blaming others

Have you heard that saying … ‘I blame the parents’ … I imagine we all have.

What does it mean though … when does a child’s action cease being the parents responsibility and start becoming the child’s?  Interesting question.

Lyndsay Lohan

Lets take Lyndsay Lohan … although she’s not your average person, a wealthy woman in her mid-twenties, with a rocky history landing herself in and out of jail, rehab where the media love her as she spells trouble with a capital ‘T’ and that makes her very newsworthy.

Her parents, seem ordinary enough, but maybe they’ve not helped her as much as she needed.  It can’t be easy to deal with such a life-changing experience even when its being actively sought and perhaps their motivation wasn’t always in her best interest.

You can’t help but wonder how you would cope with a similar ordeal?  Because it must be a minefield of things to work through that only the most level-headed can hope to handle.  So without full parental support it can’t be easy.  Then there are those that do have great parents to back them up who still manage to fluff it up, consider Amy Winehouse for example.

Amy Winehouse is to blame

Amy Winehouse, enormously talented (in my view), has not coped well with the trappings of being famous at a young age and her history shows her falling into all the standard pitfalls of ‘drugs and  sex and rock’n’roll’ to quote Ian Dury.  But her parents are supportive and appear to have her best interests at heart.

But in weighing up the general obstacles most people have no sympathy because they think handling what these kids have to handle is wasted on them.  Saying things like ‘half your luck’ and ‘I wish I had her sort of money to worry about’.  But is it easy for anyone having to deal with these sorts of obstacles, let along a young person who is in the throws of adolescence:

• growing up in the public eye
• the wealth
• not sure if people are friends with you or your fame
• not sure if your management team have yours or their best interests at heart
• the paparazzi
• the glamour and the greasepaint
• the loss of anonymity

The Fame Trap

We can never know what that is like without experiencing it and once experienced there is NO way back to how life was before.  And there lies the rub, you’ve only to look at television’s reality shows outcasts to see how demeaning a ‘world’ it can be.

Whenever glimpsed, ‘fame’ looks so superficial and empty, and I guess what drives someone’s ambition in that direction is different for everyone.  But what often appears to lay behind it is insecurity and a need for attention, this is generalizing of course.

So are the parents to blame for these two examples, some parents supposedly ‘push’ their children, we’ve all heard the nightmare stories of Michael Jackson’s upbringing and what is many respects was a tragic life culminating in his untimely death.

Are the parents to blame simply because they are older, wiser or not.  Should they shield and protect their kids to a certain extent?  But then willful children and the circus that is ‘show’ business, is quite a tough animal to roll back once ‘the wheels are in motion’.  And maybe its only when that whole enchilada kicks into play that parents begin to realise just what is happening.

Its a tough call either way.  And there are sure to be parents pushing their kids every step of the way, again for a wide range of reasons, such as money providing their kids with a life the parents couldn’t give.  The parents thinking they’ll be looked after by their children.  That one is trickier.

Charlotte Church

But finally lets look at Charlotte Church, a child-star with so much charm and oodles of talent, who came from a very grounded traditional Welsh background.  She seemed more grounded than her mother (as was portrayed in the press).

This girl has lived, loved, had a family with a long and successful career since she was 12.  When she ‘went off the rails’ she was simply living it up the Cardiff way, just having fun with her ‘ordinary’ friends and part of that was to go ‘out on the lash’.

And in the UK that’s fairly standard practice for most young women.   Maybe its our judgement that’s off kilter … and something to be considered with due care and attention.

Parents and children and who is to blame

But people have children and children grow up, each with their own personality, and part of the parental role is to provide a safe haven for your kids to go out and explore the world, knowing they can return to regroup themselves as they get on with growing into a fully rounded human being.

Life happens for sure, but all parents are doing the best they know how with the tools they have to hand aren’t they?  What are your thoughts when it comes to blaming it on the parents and does that affect how you are or have been as a parent yourself.  It would be great to hear your thoughts on the matter.

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[captionpix imgalt=”Blaming Others” imgsrc=”http://www.janeunsworth.com/wp-content/uploads/when-a-relationship-ends.jpg” imglink=”http://www.abcsimpleas.co.uk/mending” captiontext=”Whose To Blame”]

When you think about blaming others are you missing the point? What point you may say! The point is the learning.  And learning is some of what life is about. Take me for example, I’ve always been what you might call a perpetual student, and love learning, and especially since I began learning these great tools that help address getting back into balance.

The Blame Game

But educational learning is not the same as life learning.  Even when the tools and techniques you learn help enormously in sorting the wheat from the chaff, and helping you shape yourself into a much rounder person, we need to learn on a conscious level.  And that involves taking personal responsibility, or some might say ownership a bit of a new-age word but the meaning is clear.

And this highlights one of the main pitfalls where blaming others is concerned, because it removes the problem from yourself, yet the so-called problem was presented for you to gain some personal understanding from in order to grow as a human being.

Is Blaming Others Such A Bad Thing?

I know that at first sight this may seem a bit whacky and I’d have thought the same at one time.  But once you start to see what is right in front of you and take the learning from it, the most bizarre thing happens.  That problem just stops but of course another one pops up – ah progress – and this is life.

But if you ignore it, taking no responsibility (and you know that small inner, nagging voice that keeps trying to let you in on it) the problem just keeps appearing in guise after guise after guise. compulsions, poor behaviours, chronic illness and habits.

It might be a nagging parent, then up it pops, as a nagging boss, and again as a nagging partner.  But there are two of you in the dance.

RAS – Reticular Activating System

It’s part of the brain that lives in the Thalamus, and it’s the part that continually searches for evidence of your beliefs, in order words, evidence that you are right about this, that and oh yes, the other 🙂

The RAS is that part of you that once you’ve decided you want a White Rover car you suddenly finds yourself spotting them wherever you go.

The Law Of Attraction

It’s also an inherent part of what lies behind the Law Of Attraction, and the philosophy of you get more of what you focus on and unfortunately for most people that is the negative doubts about being broke, being too fat, being ill, hating your job, and all the other worries that keep you stuck on the hamster-wheel.

So maybe it’s time you stopped blaming others and got on with letting your RAS work for you (instead of agin you) 🙂 …

You can start by asking yourself this question:

What Do I Really Want?

There are some great ways to learn how to make a difference in your own life and take back the responsibility for it, so you can rise up to the challenge in order to have something be different.

This way you can have more of what you DO want and less of what you don’t, and for most of us this really is the first major hurdle to get over, but all I can say is:

Come on in the water’s lovely 🙂 … but be warned it’s not always easy and this is where the tools really help. However, once you get through it, the outlook is quite spectacular!

Valentine’s Day is here

Its Valentine’s Day and I found a short poem signed simply Bob …

I Want to be Your Valentine

Oh precious oh precious please be mine
I want to be your Valentine
I’ll do anything to be your rose
I want to be the Valentine you chose
Hold my hand and don’t let go
Open your heart and feel our love grow
Lock me in your heart just for a day
Feeling your love while reality fades away
I’ll wait year after year
Crying and sobbing tear after tear
Oh precious oh precious please be mine
I want to be your Valentine!
Bob

And isn’t Valentines Day meant to be one of the most romantic days of the year?  But is it?

I remember working at a company and every Valentine’s Day bunches of flowers would arrive throughout the day for various women.  But it often made me wonder what exactly was going on there?  Why the grand public gesture, what was being played out, what was it meant to prove and who was it meant to impress?

How cynical

Was I being too cynical but I couldn’t help but wonder whether those senders of flowers actually came up with the idea on their own, or whether there was a precedent that had to be met, and they were maybe coerced into thinking it was the ‘right’ thing to do.  But obviously they were right if that’s what floated the boat of their partner it would certainly earn them some great brownie points.

But why, why did those women feel they needed to be shown such a public declaration?  After all these gestures made one-to-one would be even more intimate and meaningful wouldn’t they? And were those without a public declaration left to justify their relationship or defend it in some way, either to colleagues, and even themselves.

Of course it’s really a case of each to their own.  But it also demonstrates how different everybody is even when it comes to something that is often classified commericially in quite a cheesy manner.   Yet to watch a regular rom-com or in reading a romantic novel lots of general assumptions are made.   And one may love a rom-com or romantic story but when it comes to ‘actual’ life shun away from affectionate demonstrations in front of others, its all about each to their own 🙂 …

Men just can’t read women

But on other days of the year, there is an increasingly ‘down on men’ attitude that has been developing post-feminism for the last 10-yrs or so.  Why has it become the cultural ‘norm’ to hear women blaming men for being unable to multitask, not noticing which domestic chores need doing without being told, not being more sensitive to their partner’s emotional needs, and not being romantic enough, to name but a few 🙂 …

So on this festive day that celebrates all things ‘romance’ maybe we should spare a thought for how confusing their chastising women (on other days of the year) leave them feeling as they often aren’t sure what does and doesn’t work for their lover.  Men are left flaying around unsure about how to please their woman, and ultimately this can leave little room for spontaneity to ignite its spark in a relationship, which simply keeps the old stereotypical cycle churning.

What happened to good old fashioned romance

How did women learn to be like this?  Did it come from their mothers?  Is it an expected part of the sisterhood (to diss their men to feel better – for a while)?  Does it serve any relationship?

Isn’t it best to keep your own council and learn how to have an open dialogue of communication, rather than dismissing whatever your life-partner has to say before they even begin.   There was something that attracted you, when you originally got together, so where did it go, was it an illusion, can you rediscover it more regularly than once a year when the media circus forces you into celebrating with a romantic card and candlelight dinner.

But subsequently what are your children learning from you without a word being said.  They are ever watchful, learning, absorbing every drop and this will mostly inform how they conduct their relationships in years to come.  This is known to be how we learn the majority of our life beliefs in all areas, love relationships are no different.

Its good to talk

That was the strapline to a telecommunications company in the UK back in the 1980’s but there’s not a truer word when it comes to any relationship, especially a life partner.  Its so easy to agree something (without examining the finer details) where you think one thing and them something completely different.

The finer points need ironing out otherwise the same issues will keep on cropping up and once examined may well be found to be at the root of any regular misunderstandings.  Some good open, active listening, will go a long way towards a calmer, happier existence in rubbing along together.  And keeping the original chemistry bubbling under, erupting into those exploding firework displays of delight on occasion instead of some imploding universal rock formations of despair will keep you on an even keel and help evolve your relationship into a deeper understanding and appreciation of your chosen life-long lover.

What are your thoughts on this?  Maybe you’ve been happily together forever and have some great insights to share here.  We’d love your hear your views. Maybe you keep chosing the same type of toxic relationships that doesn’t ultimately last and want some help with it?   And perhaps you need to find out what unhelpful beliefs you picked up in the past that are preventing you from being with a loving, loyal, life-partner of your own.

Tell me more …

If you’d like to learn more you’re welcome to an ‘introductory chat’ – see how to kick-start the process – all sessions are ‘private and confidential.

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Blaming

What is it about ‘blaming’ that helps us feel more justified about being right?  But does it help to blame others when ultimately it leaves us feeling flat?  Why is it so much easier to resort to blaming others instead of looking a bit closer at what’s really going on?  We’ve all been guilty of it and I’ll hold up my hands, I’ve been there, done that. But what follows here is a story of how a teenager sets an example in how we should all learn to behave, and it illustrates how simple it can be to front-up and take it on-the-chin, instead of letting pride get in the way. A family relation, who I’ve yet to meet (as she lives on the other side of the planet) added a Facebook status update recently and it was refreshingly frank while taking full responsibility. She mentioned that someone came towards her with a knife when she left work one evening.  A traumatic experience for anyone.  But what was interesting was her insistence on pushing away all her Facebook Friend comments eager to lay blame on others, such as ‘her employers should have ensured she got home safely’, or ‘the friends she left work with should have ensured she got to the bus safely’, and so on.  She concluded the stream of responses with a very cool, calm and collected: “I’m alright and that’s all that matters. lesson learned”

Are kids being raised differently?

She’s still in full-time education but seems to have a level-head and maybe this is something that has evolved with the younger generation.  I’d like to think so.  Are kids becoming increasingly more self-contained and mature, quite possibly.  Are they all coping, easily, probably not.  Some kids get more of an input in determining what can be life-changing decisions (at a young age) because many parents and carers involve them in making better choices through the improved information streams now available as well as the hindsight of their own upbringings. Maybe there is an element of chicken and egg,   But for those raised surrounded by a loving supportive network the story given here is a great example of how not to create a new trauma’ that requires therapy in another 20-40 years’ 🙂 …

Positive Attitude

Think how well set up she is as she heads out into life with such a great attitude which encourages me to think that although this is a tougher route for parents its one that can clearly pay-off with such a responsible attitude in one so young.  My feeling is she has it right – do I know why her head is so clearly set – I really don’t, but I do suspect a strong parental input lies at the core. Many of us have to reach middle-age before we start listening to the lessons that life has continually thrown up, that we have chosen to ignore.   And we find all sorts of tactics to avoid going there, you name it, well just name yours.  Because for a lot of people the longer an issue goes on, the deeper its grip and the more they fear its eruption.  But the bottom line is we are ALL responsible for our own wellbeing (first and foremost) and if you feel that others take that off your hands, then maybe its an indication of handing over your personal power and maybe you need to consider reclaiming it. I checked it was okay to tell her story and thought it a great example of how blame can be resisted.

Your mind knows you better than you do

The thing is you have a mind (that never switches off) as much as you may want it to sometimes.  But once you get to grips and stop blaming others for what is your individualised learning, the sooner you can start listening and gaining the insights. If you have repeating behavioural patterns that get stronger (as you get older) that you’ve convinced yourself are your ‘personality’, perhaps your confidence is undermined, maybe you’ve experienced physical injury or disease, maybe that has led to feeling more debilitated, you might just want to consider changing the pattern by getting off the merry-go-round of blame and start finding your way back to being the healthier, happier you that you suspect is lurking inside. Once you stop ‘pointing the finger’, you can begin reclaiming your inner power which brings with it a renewed sense of control about what you can allow to happen in (and to) your life with integrity, despite what others and ‘society’ in general tells you, you should do.

It can be undermining

Do you have any stories like this?  Or do you find yourself feeling powerless where your life decisions are in someone else’s hands or perhaps you ask others for their opinions before trusting your own? Perhaps you are under the illusion that you are completely in control, controlling your world and those around you to the nth degree.  But this brings up another series of questions about your ability to trust that everyone (including children and the elderly) have a right to experience their own life in their preferred way.  You can only ever truly have control of your own life, the rest is a beautiful compromise.

Tell me more … If you’d like to learn more you’re welcome to an ‘introductory chat’ – see how to kick-start the process – all sessions are ‘private and confidential.

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